By Jon Moray
This story was first published online for Little Old Lady Comedy in August 2025 and is about two ex-lovers using the alphabet to express their feelings for each other. Enjoy!
Alan and Alice, bookworms and wordsmiths, worked at the local library over the summer during college summer break. They took a liking to each other and began borrowing each others books until Alice caught Alan perusing another woman’s almanac of anatomy in the Young Adult section of the library near the Harlequin Romance books and abruptly closed the chapter on their relationship. Alice turned in her library card and vowed never again to judge a book by its cover. Alan wanted to renew their love story and thought of a clever idea via a handwritten note with each letter of the alphabet appearing at the start of each word that was in alphabetical order. His letter read:
Alice,
Be compassionate. Don’t ever forget glorious happiness invoking joyous kindling, loving memories, never outdone. Please quiet revenge seething thoughts using vicious wrath. X-ray your zeal.
Alice read the note and was impressed with Alan’s wordsy creativity before a volume of vulgarities filled her head, and an encyclopedia of expletives flew out of her mouth. She grabbed a pen and paper from her drawer and began writing with a curled tongue, as was her customary expression. Her reply letter read:
Alan,
Bull crap. Die endlessly from great hellish infernos. Just keep lusting more nasty objects. Perhaps quench repulsive sins toward ungodly values with xenophobics, you zero.
Needless to say, Alan and Alice never crossed library stacks again.
Moray Writes 